You looked harmless enough. I guess I had my guard down. And now I see that I should have picked a different line. Because it has become painfully obvious that this is the moment you have been waiting for all day. Maybe even all week. I don't know. What is clear is that you've landed your time in the spotlight and damn if you aren't going to milk it.
Do you not have a debit card you can swipe and spare the rest of us the agony of watching you practice your penmanship on your "Little Angels" checks? How long is your name and why does it involve 85 loop de loops to complete your signature?
Yes, that's right, take a moment to visually scan your check, top to bottom, side to side. This is, what, the millionth time you've filled out one of these? You can never be too careful. It's possible you could have left out a hyphen or a comma or something, thereby totally voiding the check and causing mass hysteria.
Maybe if I were inclined toward a more generous nature, I could learn a thing or two about standards of excellence from your shining example. But, I'm not, and right now I just want to pay for my groceries and get on with my day.
With a flourish, you ceremoniously tear out the check and hand it to the clerk. My heart does a happy little dance. Prematurely, it seems. Because now we must wait for you to enter the details of this transaction in your book and gently settle your pen into its special nook in your purse.
"Oh!" you proclaim, diving back into your purse to fish out the wallet containing your ID.
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU NITWIT?" I want to yell. But I play it safe, staring at the gum display like my life depends on memorizing every word on the colorful little packages.
In distant galaxies, stars get born, then die.
And still we idle, waiting for your check to be cleared by the special check-clearing machine.
Just some food for thought. We're now a decade into a whole new century, why don't you visit us and take a look around? You might find that you like it here and decide to move in.
Also, I could be wrong, but I think your horse and buggy are double parked.
As she reaches for her checkbook…
ReplyDeleteNah-ah
I know what you’re thinking,
'is he buying six items or only five?'
Well to tell you the truth, In all this excitement I’ve kind of lost track myself.
But being that I’m six-foot three and could take your head clean off, you’ve got to ask
yourself a question:
'Do I feel lucky?'
Well, do ya punk?
"Hey, I gots to know!"
ReplyDeleteCue sirens.
...I said, cue sirens!
Dammit, why do I have to do everything myself around here? You're all fired!
You had the next line. Very impressive.
ReplyDeleteBut I have one more line before you cue and then fire the siren guys.
Ready? Wait for it........
Click
Well, now, see? That's the attention to detail I was referencing, right there.
ReplyDeleteTo be fair, if you're going to include the click, we'll also need to insert "Sonnofabitch" and "Hahaha".
But I'm still firing everybody. It's good to do that every so often. Keeps people on their toes. You can always give them "another chance."
Kind of like the Dread Pirate Roberts' "I'll most likely kill you in the morning."