Oops, My Bad!

Sorry, next time I'll be sure to slam on my brakes before you cut me off, with no warning whatsoever, as I travel at 75 MPH. Please be patient with me as I work on sharpening my mind-reading skills.

Random question: is there some kind of magnetic field in Southern California that disables the turn signals on 89% of the cars on the road? Just wondering.

Sometimes You Just Have to Stop and Smell the Ragweed

A series of Unfortunate Events (UEs).

UE #1: This morning I take the dogs out for their morning poop-and-pee-extravaganza, and upon returning home, I discover that I have locked the door and left the keys on the other side.

UE #2: My landlord has the spare. His mom died a couple of days ago, and I feel like a jerk calling him about my petty issue of the day.

UE #3: Momentarily contemplate breaking my door in, then decide instead to call my friend (apparently I have my priorities straight and remember to take my phone with me everywhere). She is also the friend of my landlord. I ask her if she can go pick up the key from him and bring it to me. She is wonderful, so even though she has just gotten out of the shower and has somewhere she needs to be, she agrees to help me out. (side note: I have the BEST friends in the entire world.)

UE #4. Did I mention that I am possibly the least attractive I have ever looked, having just rolled out of bed, piled my hair up in an unbecoming bun, stuck a pair of sunglasses on my unwashed face, and hoped against hope, not having brushed my teeth,  I wouldn't come within 20 feet of another human being? Before you judge, remember how hard it is to get the smell of dog pee out of carpet. I had to get those suckers out before they got any bright ideas about watering my floor. Also, I have a noticeable rash on my face from something stupid I did a few days ago.

UE #5. Five minutes later, I get a call back from my friend. "Bad news," she says.  "They're at the funeral now, and the reception is immediately following. We can't get the key to you until this afternoon." It is now 10:20 am.

UE #6. I search for a local locksmith on my phone, and call the number on the first listing. A man answers, in a tone you would use to address someone who just mugged your frail, aging mother.
"Yeah, hello!"

Me in my little girl voice, "Is this the locksmith?"

Still yelling, "Yeah, yeah. What?"

Now contemplating hanging up, but desperation drives me forward. "I locked myself out of my home and need help getting back in." I close with a weak giggle. I'm not amused, just nervous.

"What city do you live in?"

I tell him, hoping that since the number I called looks local, he'll be nearby and I won't have to wait long.

"I can get there in 30, 45 minutes."

In an ever diminishing and squeaky voice, "Aren't you local?"

"Yeah, I'm local! But I have other things to do, I can't just zoom over there the second you call me!"

I am now wondering about the wisdom of inviting this rage-bomb to break into my home. By some miracle, we come to a meeting of the minds, and he agrees to hurry things up.

UE #7. True to his word, 20 minutes later, he pulls into my parking lot, and I wonder if he is going to murder me in retaliation for taking him away from whatever he was doing before I called. But, he actually apologizes. "Sorry I was so short with you. You're not the only one having a bad day." My dogs, of course, want to devour him.  We make it to my front door.  He takes one look, dramatically rolls his head from side to side and says "Shit! Did you recently have your locks changed?"

"Yes." What could possibly be wrong with that?

"That's what I was afraid of. This is a pick-proof lock. I can't get in here. And not only that, but these locks are notorious for malfunctioning. In the past 6 months, I've gone to 6 or 7 homes where people's keys just stopped working."

At this point I am having visions of hiring a demolition team. I have no words. I stare at him like a donkey. Somehow this does the trick and he takes pity on me.

"OK, hold on. There might be a way. Lemme make a phone call." He shouts into the phone for a few minutes, then, "Yeah, I was right. It's impossible to pick this lock."

I am weighing the possibility of moving and just buying a whole new set of stuff.

"There is one thing I can do, though."

I don't even ask him what it is. Instead I say, "Yes, do it!"

Not two minutes later, we are standing in my living room, and I am the proud owner of a broken doorknob. Instantly forgetting my humble state, I  ask him if he can make the doorknob look less ghetto. And he does it!

We are now best friends.

UE #8: I think we make plans to get a pedicure together. Or get our hair done. I'm not sure. He talks so fast, and I really have to pee, so I just smile and nod yes to everything he says. Ten minutes and $75 later, he leaves.  I close the door behind him, and turn around to answer my phone.

It's my landlord. He can bring the key and let me in.

"What do you do?"

"I play the piano."

"No, what do you do for work?"

"I play the piano."

"What do you mean?"

"I move my fingers on the keys and sound comes out."

"You get paid for that?"

"Yes."

"That's weird."

Attention Whore or Insecure Control-Freak? I Vote Both

No doubt that all present were thrilled to bits that she hijacked this most important day.

Just one morsel of advice to the happy couple, if I may. 

Since he's clearly lacking a working set of balls, they should start the search for a sperm donor ASAP.

Aaaahhhh, L'Amour!

Hey, I'm a modern woman.

I understand that in your busy and hectic day, you may not find the 2 seconds required to prop a door open as you walk through it, so that it doesn't hit me in the face as I follow you out of the bank.

I get it. You are under no obligation to be aware of other people in your vicinity, nor to extend the slightest courtesy to them.

But can you explain to me one little thing?  How was it that you were able to fit in a nice, long stare at my ass as I was walking to my car?

You didn't think I saw that, huh?

Jackhole.

Annoyance of the Day

Maybe you think that spelling your daughter's name "Erynn", "Kymberleigh" or "Payj" makes her (and you, by inference) different and exotic.

I just think it labels you a major a-hole.

And don't tell me that it's an ancient Celtic spelling. We're not in ancient Celtic times.

Dumbass.

Random Musing of the Day

Where I add absolutely nothing of substance to the important conversations of the day.

You know that sound the whipped cream nozzle makes just as the last glorious fluffy bits of yumminess sputter out? 


That's the loneliest sound in the world.

The Call of the Wild

Here we are, with the lights down low.  You've said (some of) the right things, I've pretended to laugh at your jokes, and we're both wearing fewer pieces of clothing than we started out with. At this point, we're on the homestretch, and it's pretty much a no-brainer.

Until I inhale. And wish that I hadn't.

Listen, if this were the year 54,790 BCE, and you and I were roaming the Serengeti in search of mates, I would be positively giddy upon smelling your, uh, pheromones. Happily would I follow my nose to the source of your olfactory buffet, and the continuation of both of our genes would be a done deal.

But, on this night in the 21st century, I hope you won't be too offended if I just ask you to put your pants back on and go home. Somehow, the topiary you've been cultivating "down there", for what looks like the last ten years, ruined the mood.

You're Getting to Be a Habit With Me

OK, bend over U.S., it's time for another leader of a shameless regime to have his way with you.  Don't worry, though, because the cowardly suck-ups of the current administration brought their industrial sized bottle of lube.  It won't hurt too much. Until you wake up the next morning.

On the bright side, we can leave this awful country and move to Mexico, where the easy-going laws are fairly enforced, the streets flow with milk and honey, crime is almost non-existent, and the future looks so bright, you gotta wear shades.  That's why people are clamoring to move there in droves, and no one ever wants to leave.

It will be a piece of cake. We can sneak over the border in the dark. They don't really care about that sort of thing over there. I hear they're likely to throw us a Welcome-to-Our-Country party.

Am I In Backwards World?

This picture wrings tears out of me every time I see it.  There aren't words strong enough to describe the beauty of this man.

On the other hand, we have this:




The world is seriously f*cked.

Hot Topic

Look, if you're going to compare a situation to Nazi Germany, I strongly suggest that you brush up on your historical facts, lest you risk sounding like a complete imbecile. Especially if you happen to hold a history degree from UCLA.

I know it's probably too much to ask that you put together a cogent and coherent argument against a position with which you disagree.  I'm sure you're busy doing important things that positively impact millions of people. After all, you are on the city council of the second largest city in the U.S. 

Maybe your time is taken up with the superb job you're doing balancing the city budget, with a nice healthy surplus which will be used to shore up the city's crumbling infrastructure.  Or perhaps you've put your prowess as a leader into building a school system which is unrivaled in preparing the next generation to meet the challenges of an ever-changing world.  I bet that, even as I sit here writing, you're rounding up the last, desperate stragglers of the gangs that used to rule the city through intimidation and violence.

Wait, what? You haven't gotten around to these things yet? You banned the construction of fast food restaurants?

Oh.

Well, I guess it is easier to just spew out some scary words that everybody knows about, whether or not they actually address the circumstances at hand. I mean, the point is to get the people's attention, right?  It's not like they're going to question you. Or even think about what you said. Hey, you've given the self-appointed victim crowd a new banner to march under.

Congratu-freaking-lations! Baby, you're a star.

And you didn't even have to rub more than two brain cells together.

Truth in Advertising

Finally! A product that does what it says.

Yes. Yes it does.

You Had Me at Shalom

I saw a sign on a school today.

It said, "Hebrew School - Where Judaism is Fun!"

I guess this is an angle that never occurred to Abraham and Moses. Too bad. Given the disproportionate contribution of the Jews to every aspect of society, had there been more of them in the last couple of thousand years, the world would today be a far better place. I'd say this was a missed opportunity. Good going, fathers of Judaism.

Things That Make You Go WTH?

I take my dogs out for a walk and it takes 20 minutes of hardcore searching, followed by 37 revolutions around a 3 inch radius of grassy patch for them to find just the right spot on which to "do their business". But, on my carpet, they can drop it in 10 seconds flat, no turning required.

Why.

Heal the World

As the driver of the lead vehicle at a red left-turn only stop light, you hold a position of power unlikely to occur in any other arena of your daily life. Why waste the opportunity?

After the light turns green, take a few moments to fiddle with your radio, check yourself in the rear-view for any stray nose hairs, send that important text that says “LOL”, maybe even sort the loose change that always accumulates in the cup holders.

When you glance up and see the light turn yellow, you will know that the time has come to initiate your turn. At most, one, maybe two, cars can slip in behind you, but the others will be compelled to wait another 4-6 minutes for the next green left arrow. They should think of this as a mini vacation, a gift bestowed upon them by a generous stranger.

Unfortunately, most people will not recognize this enforced idling as the blessing that it truly is. Your kindness will likely be repaid with the blaring of horns and a growing crescendo of obscenities. Pay them no mind, for you can go your merry way with the secret smile that says to the world, “Hey world, I’ve done my part to make a better place for you and for me.”

Land of the Undereducated

Are you willfully ignorant or just plain stupid? Before you start comparing Cinco de Mayo to the Fourth of July, you should do a little bit of light reading. One is a national holiday honoring independence, the other is not. I'll leave it up to you to figure out which is which.

Furthermore, I will honor the flag of this country and display it whether or not it offends you. And while we're on the subject, if you hate the United States so much, why are you here? I don't see a fence keeping you in. If you're not willing to put any effort into making this country a better place for all to live and thrive in, either shut up or ship out. And if you have a problem with that, I suggest a strongly worded complaint to the Department of Go Make Hot Monkey Love to Yourself.

Am I Missing Something Here?

There are a bunch of YouTube "How to Play Piano" tutorials which are closed captioned for the hearing impaired.

Anyone?

Things That Make Life Easier

What good luck! Just last week, the tree trimmers stripped every tree in the neighborhood of those pesky, foliage-laden branches. Whew, dodged a big bullet there. Because, when the temperature starts nearing inferno levels, the last thing you want is some shady trees to walk under. The very last.

Kindly Shut Up

Ok, let me get this straight. She would rather have him be a terrorist with non-Muslim ties? What the hell is this lunatic even talking about?

Hey, Contessa, why don't you move to Tehran, where you can finally enjoy the freedom of full self-expression. You know, because the rest of us intolerant dullards, who want to write off people who believe that it's ok to kill innocents, are so obviously cramping your style. I'll even throw in a parting gift. Your starter burka is on me. No need for thanks. I'm a giver, it's what I do.

Self-Congratulation Corner

I must have looked extra cute today because no less than 3 guys yelled at me from their cars as I was driving around town.

Either that, or my gas cap was hanging open. I didn't check. Why ruin a good thing?

Random Sh*t That Gets My Goat

At the UPS store this morning, I walk in with a package ready to go, aside from the one 12 inch opening on the box. I couldn't find my packing tape, and I was hoping that I could use some of theirs to seal it before shipping it off.  So I  greet the clerk, sweet as you please (really!) and say I have a package to ship and would I be able to use a bit of their tape on it. She says, "Yes. It will be one dollar for the tape." Now, all told, I was going to need maybe 14 inches of tape, so I thought that was kind of a steep mark-up, considering that I could get 150 feet of it for a dollar from the local dollar store. Just to explore the situation a bit further, and still in the pleasant manner with which I interact with all service people, I say "That's a lot to charge for such a small piece of tape." Does she say, "You know what? You're right, I'll give it to you for a quarter." Or even, "Yes, I know, but that's kind of our policy and I have to stick to it." Nope. She gives no response at all. Unless you consider a stare-down as a sort of response. Which, come to think of it, I guess it is.

Why I Love Men #259

Yesterday, I overheard a group of guys shooting the shit. One of them told a joke. Some laughed, others didn't. Then someone piped up with, "I don't get it." Joke teller:  "You don't get it? It's because you're stupid, man." Awesome!