Eureka!

I've been eating well. I do my 3 sets of 12 reps every other day. Two different exercises for each muscle group. Upper body and lower. Still, I'm not quite there yet.

You, on the other hand, have got it going on! Yes, I notice you working out along side me at the gym. Well, maybe "notice" is too strong a word ...

Ok, to be perfectly honest, I've actually been trying to avoid you. But you certainly don't make it easy. Wherever I go, there you are, elbowing your way into my consciousness.

So, choosing to make lemonade out of your smelly lemons, I've taken the liberty of compiling a to-do list. Here's what I have so far. I think it's pretty comprehensive.

5 Steps To Getting Ripped, Hot and Utterly Irresistable

1.  Wear sleeveless shirt to properly showcase tribal tattoo. (note to self: get tribal tattoo)

2.  After every set, look in the mirror and flex while doing a small, yet noticeable, head nod in approval of what you see.

3.  Grunt often. If that doesn't draw enough attention, throw in an "aaaarrrrggh" every once in a while. Remember to grimace. A lot. Adds a sense of realism and believability. And heightened drama.

4.  At the end of a set, let the weights drop quickly and with as much ear-shattering clatter as possible. Extra muscle striations if everyone within a 50 foot radius winces.

5.  Never use a towel between yourself and the machine. The pool of sweat you leave behind? Don't even consider wiping it off. It will serve to cool those who use the machine after you. You gotta give something back to the community, right?

And there you have it, in all its elegant simplicity. Will I follow the method that has produced your spectacular results?

Hell. Yes. I'll see you at the gym tomorrow.

And when our eyes briefly meet as we each lovingly appraise our own wondrous reflections, you will recognize my silent greeting, "Thanks, obnoxious muscle-y guy. I couldn't have done it without you."